I remember it like it was yesterday...

I woke up that morning  and went to work...
My stomach was hurting like hell and the Bank wasn't even open...
I did the morning work and asked to leave b/c I was in so much pain...
They let me go...

I called my best friend and let him know what happened...
He asked if I needed to get picked up...
I said no, I was going to drive myself home...
So I just decided to sleep it off..

Sleep didn't help at all...
It just got worse...

I called my best friend and picked him up...
He drove me to the hospital...

He takes my car and makes a quick run...

I sat in the Emergency Waiting Room...
In a wheelchair...
With so much pain...

I suddenly felt wet...
Like I peed or something...
I knew something wasn't right...

I went to the bathroom in the waiting area...
Sat on the toilet...
And out it comes...

Gallons of blood comes out...
Plenty BIG blood clots next...
Then I felt a big release...
SPLASH!...
Out comes the Sac...
The whole works...
EVERYTHING is released...

I start to cry...
There is blood everywhere...
I picked up my phone and called my friend...
Then my ma....
I told them what happened...

I pulled the string for help...
The nurse knocked..
She came in..
I told her what happened...
She rushed to get some kind of container...
She put on some gloves...
Then she reached in the toilet and pulled it ALL out...

OMG!...
Really???...

I cleaned myself up...
We left the bathroom...
Everybody was staring....
She was holding the container...
She tried to disguise what was in it...

Tears still were coming down my face...
We walked to a room...
The doctor came in...
We talked about it...
I signed some papers and left...

WOW! At first I didn't want the baby...
Then I did...
I got used to the doctor appointments..

Then that happens...
It was taken from me just like that...

Hmmm....

***Maybe it wasn't meant to be*** (Thursday, April 3, 2008 at 9:03am)

Damn...It was juat a month ago when I wrote the note that started it all.................I don't know what to say.................................All I can remember is what happened when I went to the ER.......





After getting some bloodwork done.....
I finally am on my way to the ultrasound area......
As I'm rolling in the wheelchair, plenty things are going through my mind.....
I make it up there....
She starts checking my ovaries and all that shit......
Nearly a half hour has passed....


Next is the baby....

We're looking around, trying to find it......
She spots it.....
It's small....
She has to use a probe....
It is clear.....
They baby is there....
she flips it to different view and all that shit...
I ask questions.....
"What are those lines at the bottom of the screen?"
She replies, "That detects movement."
"Of who?"......"Me?"....or......"The baby?"
She replies", The Baby."


ALL I THINK IN MY HEAD IS, "SHIT!"......."WTF!"


I try to ask questions...
But she's not authorized to answer them....
The ultrasound is done...
We proceed back down to the ER room...
After a while...
The doctor and nurse enters....
My ma is standing and my Bestfriend Alex is sitting....
They have the results....
They ask if I want them in the room....
I think hard about it....
I say NO...
They leave....


..................................


They say.........................
I am 80% in a miscarriage.....
80%????....
Yes....
The baby was at 6 weeks of development...
But I am 10 weeks along......
It is under-developed....
No heartbeat...
No movement....
NOTHING!....


I say......DAMN!....


I knew that was it when I seen the lines on the ultrasound....
The lines didn't move....
At that time.....
The nurse looks more emotional than me....
I'm surprised .....
But then again....
I'm not....
I have no big reaction......
I finally get released.....
I tell my ma what happened...
She gives me a weird look.....
There's nothing she can really say....


We go on about our business.....


We go to the Mall......
I show her where I work...
We eat....
Go to my crib....
Chill....
She gets the vibe that I want to be alone....
She's been with me all day....
I LOVE MY MA....
But I want her to leave.....
I don't say it....
But she feels it....
She asks if I'll be ok...
I say yeah...
I'm good....


She's gone for a few mintues....


It hits me......


I can't stop crying.................................


All the shit I've gone through in the last few days has finally gotten to me.....


I cry...
and cry....
and cry........
Anthony arrives.....
I open the door....
I look a mess....lol
Make-up smeared all over my face....
He gives me a hug...
I hate hugs.....
But in a way...
It feels good......


As the night pass I think....
I have a dead baby in me.....
WTF....


IDK......


THIS STORY IS DONE....



My ma and I have been through so much.....

But despite everything....
She was there for every appointment...
And every ER visit...


IMMEDIATELY....


Her job was second....


I came first....


DAMN!...


I LOVE MY MA.....


AND TO MY BFF'S: ANTHONY, ALLEN, TYRONE.....


THANKS!.... :)


THANKS TYRONE FOR COMING OVER THE OTHER NIGHT WHEN I HAD A BREAKDOWN..


THANKS ANTHONY FOR LAST NIGHT.....

NOT MUCH WAS DISCUSSED....


BUT.....


I JUST WANTED SOMEBODY TO BE THERE....


AND ALLEN.....THANKS TOO......YOUR BIG HEAD ASS LOOK FUNNY IN SCRUBS....LOL


AND EVERYONE ELSE.....THANKS ALSO....

NOW I'M ON BED REST FOR A FEW MORE DAYS....


I GUESS I REALLY NEED TO BE AWAY FROM WORK.....


IDK WHEN I'LL BE BACK......


BUT THEY SAY WHENEVER I WANT TO COME BACK IS FINE.....


I'M GOOD...


I THINK......

***SOME DEEP SHIT***(Monday, March 3, 2008 at 10:13pm)

As yall already know...I got a baby on the way....and I'm not a woman of many words.....But I'm going through some pain physically and emotionally. My stomach hurt like hell all day everyday and yet I continue to work 12 hour shifts. Emotionally....well...Seriously...The shit hasn't hit me yet....But I know I feel a breakdown coming real soon....







ALL I WANTED TO SAY WAS THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING....WE'VE HAD SOME GOOD TIMES...AND SOME BAD TIMES....BUT FOR THE MOST PART YOU'VE BEEN THERE....






I LOVE YALL!!.....WITH ALL OF MY HEART....YALL MY BOOS....LOL.....RACHELLE........NIGGAS.....AND BITCHES AND I WOULDN'T TRADE YOU FOR ANYTHING IN THE WORLD.....






(I JUST HOPE YALL ARE AROUND WHEN THE BABY ARRIVES) :)

~WOW~

Wow! I just ran across two notes I wrote last year on facebook.....and here they go....

Tis the season..

Hmm...So people say the Holidays are the best. It's time to be around family and friends. Well.....what if you felt otherwise???


Honestly, I 'd rather be alone. For Thanksgiving, I stayed in the house. I didn't go anywhere. All I did was talked to close friends of mine. For Christmas, I plan on doing the same.


I'm not in the spirit this year...


My family has never checked on me. When I moved away two years ago nobody has ever called to see how I was doing. But when something went wrong, it was the main topic in the family, pure gossip. I mean, I'm not holding any grudges but honestly, I just don't want to be bothered. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.


Plenty people might say I'm being selfish but I beg to differ. If you went through what I've gone through these past two years, you would understand.


I'm just saying....


These are just some thoughts......

I'm not perfect

So I know that almost every post I write, seems like I'm badgering my mom about something she's done. Yeah, I'm not the perfect daughter and whatnot but I most definitely haven't been the WORST daughter.


I have faults and I intend on adressing them. It's just that I'm not PHYSICALLY doing anything to be deserving all the bullshit that I'm being put through.


Some people may even think my life hasn't even been that hard. But I believe every person goes through many difficult situations in their life and they may even be totally different from the next person.




It's like EVERY other day or EVERY other week, there's something else that she has to yell at me about. I just want to scream! Dammit! Leave me alone!

Guarded

Hmm...So I'm starting to get used to hearing people tell me how much I keep my guards up. Is there something wrong with that? I mean, everyone should be guarded to a certain extent, right?

When I usually first meet someone, I'm not too open. They tell me that I am quiet and keep my words short. Wow.

I feel it is necessary to be like that. I like to carefully choose who I let in my life. But, people can definitely agree that, when I do open up, I can be the greatest friend a person could have.

....Just some thoughts....

Insecurities

So everybody is insecure at one time or another in their life. It can range from weight, height, age, looks, etc.

I know growing up I used to be insecure about my weight. I was very small and although I ate EVERYTHING , I still was criticized.

Society has made everybody think that they are supposed to look a certain way.

But answer this, why does your opposites often criticize you? Fat vs. Skinny. Tall vs. Short.
I believe it's b/c they're insecure. I mean why talk about others? If you're happy with yourself, then you should be happy with other people also. Their looks shouldn't be of your concern.


Do you have any insecurities??? If so, do tell...

These are just a few thoughts......



So my friend asked me what my insecurites were now. I no longer care what people think about how I look physically. My only insecurity is of me being alone. Crazy huh? I always have to be in a relationship. I have a fear of being alone. But I can definitely say that I am working on it. I definitely know that I'm not the only person in the world that is going through this.

Don't Judge a Book By It's Cover

Why are people so quick to judge others?

People are always so quick to assume something about a person.

Why??



Yes, a person might appear to be doing nothing with their life, but in actuality, they may be doing something greater than you.IF YOU DON'T KNOW A PERSON, DON'T ASSUME THINGS ABOUT THEM.... Everyone shouldn't judge from appearance.....I'm just saying.