I remember it like it was yesterday...

I woke up that morning  and went to work...
My stomach was hurting like hell and the Bank wasn't even open...
I did the morning work and asked to leave b/c I was in so much pain...
They let me go...

I called my best friend and let him know what happened...
He asked if I needed to get picked up...
I said no, I was going to drive myself home...
So I just decided to sleep it off..

Sleep didn't help at all...
It just got worse...

I called my best friend and picked him up...
He drove me to the hospital...

He takes my car and makes a quick run...

I sat in the Emergency Waiting Room...
In a wheelchair...
With so much pain...

I suddenly felt wet...
Like I peed or something...
I knew something wasn't right...

I went to the bathroom in the waiting area...
Sat on the toilet...
And out it comes...

Gallons of blood comes out...
Plenty BIG blood clots next...
Then I felt a big release...
SPLASH!...
Out comes the Sac...
The whole works...
EVERYTHING is released...

I start to cry...
There is blood everywhere...
I picked up my phone and called my friend...
Then my ma....
I told them what happened...

I pulled the string for help...
The nurse knocked..
She came in..
I told her what happened...
She rushed to get some kind of container...
She put on some gloves...
Then she reached in the toilet and pulled it ALL out...

OMG!...
Really???...

I cleaned myself up...
We left the bathroom...
Everybody was staring....
She was holding the container...
She tried to disguise what was in it...

Tears still were coming down my face...
We walked to a room...
The doctor came in...
We talked about it...
I signed some papers and left...

WOW! At first I didn't want the baby...
Then I did...
I got used to the doctor appointments..

Then that happens...
It was taken from me just like that...

Hmmm....

***Maybe it wasn't meant to be*** (Thursday, April 3, 2008 at 9:03am)

Damn...It was juat a month ago when I wrote the note that started it all.................I don't know what to say.................................All I can remember is what happened when I went to the ER.......





After getting some bloodwork done.....
I finally am on my way to the ultrasound area......
As I'm rolling in the wheelchair, plenty things are going through my mind.....
I make it up there....
She starts checking my ovaries and all that shit......
Nearly a half hour has passed....


Next is the baby....

We're looking around, trying to find it......
She spots it.....
It's small....
She has to use a probe....
It is clear.....
They baby is there....
she flips it to different view and all that shit...
I ask questions.....
"What are those lines at the bottom of the screen?"
She replies, "That detects movement."
"Of who?"......"Me?"....or......"The baby?"
She replies", The Baby."


ALL I THINK IN MY HEAD IS, "SHIT!"......."WTF!"


I try to ask questions...
But she's not authorized to answer them....
The ultrasound is done...
We proceed back down to the ER room...
After a while...
The doctor and nurse enters....
My ma is standing and my Bestfriend Alex is sitting....
They have the results....
They ask if I want them in the room....
I think hard about it....
I say NO...
They leave....


..................................


They say.........................
I am 80% in a miscarriage.....
80%????....
Yes....
The baby was at 6 weeks of development...
But I am 10 weeks along......
It is under-developed....
No heartbeat...
No movement....
NOTHING!....


I say......DAMN!....


I knew that was it when I seen the lines on the ultrasound....
The lines didn't move....
At that time.....
The nurse looks more emotional than me....
I'm surprised .....
But then again....
I'm not....
I have no big reaction......
I finally get released.....
I tell my ma what happened...
She gives me a weird look.....
There's nothing she can really say....


We go on about our business.....


We go to the Mall......
I show her where I work...
We eat....
Go to my crib....
Chill....
She gets the vibe that I want to be alone....
She's been with me all day....
I LOVE MY MA....
But I want her to leave.....
I don't say it....
But she feels it....
She asks if I'll be ok...
I say yeah...
I'm good....


She's gone for a few mintues....


It hits me......


I can't stop crying.................................


All the shit I've gone through in the last few days has finally gotten to me.....


I cry...
and cry....
and cry........
Anthony arrives.....
I open the door....
I look a mess....lol
Make-up smeared all over my face....
He gives me a hug...
I hate hugs.....
But in a way...
It feels good......


As the night pass I think....
I have a dead baby in me.....
WTF....


IDK......


THIS STORY IS DONE....



My ma and I have been through so much.....

But despite everything....
She was there for every appointment...
And every ER visit...


IMMEDIATELY....


Her job was second....


I came first....


DAMN!...


I LOVE MY MA.....


AND TO MY BFF'S: ANTHONY, ALLEN, TYRONE.....


THANKS!.... :)


THANKS TYRONE FOR COMING OVER THE OTHER NIGHT WHEN I HAD A BREAKDOWN..


THANKS ANTHONY FOR LAST NIGHT.....

NOT MUCH WAS DISCUSSED....


BUT.....


I JUST WANTED SOMEBODY TO BE THERE....


AND ALLEN.....THANKS TOO......YOUR BIG HEAD ASS LOOK FUNNY IN SCRUBS....LOL


AND EVERYONE ELSE.....THANKS ALSO....

NOW I'M ON BED REST FOR A FEW MORE DAYS....


I GUESS I REALLY NEED TO BE AWAY FROM WORK.....


IDK WHEN I'LL BE BACK......


BUT THEY SAY WHENEVER I WANT TO COME BACK IS FINE.....


I'M GOOD...


I THINK......

***SOME DEEP SHIT***(Monday, March 3, 2008 at 10:13pm)

As yall already know...I got a baby on the way....and I'm not a woman of many words.....But I'm going through some pain physically and emotionally. My stomach hurt like hell all day everyday and yet I continue to work 12 hour shifts. Emotionally....well...Seriously...The shit hasn't hit me yet....But I know I feel a breakdown coming real soon....







ALL I WANTED TO SAY WAS THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING....WE'VE HAD SOME GOOD TIMES...AND SOME BAD TIMES....BUT FOR THE MOST PART YOU'VE BEEN THERE....






I LOVE YALL!!.....WITH ALL OF MY HEART....YALL MY BOOS....LOL.....RACHELLE........NIGGAS.....AND BITCHES AND I WOULDN'T TRADE YOU FOR ANYTHING IN THE WORLD.....






(I JUST HOPE YALL ARE AROUND WHEN THE BABY ARRIVES) :)

~WOW~

Wow! I just ran across two notes I wrote last year on facebook.....and here they go....

Tis the season..

Hmm...So people say the Holidays are the best. It's time to be around family and friends. Well.....what if you felt otherwise???


Honestly, I 'd rather be alone. For Thanksgiving, I stayed in the house. I didn't go anywhere. All I did was talked to close friends of mine. For Christmas, I plan on doing the same.


I'm not in the spirit this year...


My family has never checked on me. When I moved away two years ago nobody has ever called to see how I was doing. But when something went wrong, it was the main topic in the family, pure gossip. I mean, I'm not holding any grudges but honestly, I just don't want to be bothered. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.


Plenty people might say I'm being selfish but I beg to differ. If you went through what I've gone through these past two years, you would understand.


I'm just saying....


These are just some thoughts......

I'm not perfect

So I know that almost every post I write, seems like I'm badgering my mom about something she's done. Yeah, I'm not the perfect daughter and whatnot but I most definitely haven't been the WORST daughter.


I have faults and I intend on adressing them. It's just that I'm not PHYSICALLY doing anything to be deserving all the bullshit that I'm being put through.


Some people may even think my life hasn't even been that hard. But I believe every person goes through many difficult situations in their life and they may even be totally different from the next person.




It's like EVERY other day or EVERY other week, there's something else that she has to yell at me about. I just want to scream! Dammit! Leave me alone!

Guarded

Hmm...So I'm starting to get used to hearing people tell me how much I keep my guards up. Is there something wrong with that? I mean, everyone should be guarded to a certain extent, right?

When I usually first meet someone, I'm not too open. They tell me that I am quiet and keep my words short. Wow.

I feel it is necessary to be like that. I like to carefully choose who I let in my life. But, people can definitely agree that, when I do open up, I can be the greatest friend a person could have.

....Just some thoughts....

Insecurities

So everybody is insecure at one time or another in their life. It can range from weight, height, age, looks, etc.

I know growing up I used to be insecure about my weight. I was very small and although I ate EVERYTHING , I still was criticized.

Society has made everybody think that they are supposed to look a certain way.

But answer this, why does your opposites often criticize you? Fat vs. Skinny. Tall vs. Short.
I believe it's b/c they're insecure. I mean why talk about others? If you're happy with yourself, then you should be happy with other people also. Their looks shouldn't be of your concern.


Do you have any insecurities??? If so, do tell...

These are just a few thoughts......



So my friend asked me what my insecurites were now. I no longer care what people think about how I look physically. My only insecurity is of me being alone. Crazy huh? I always have to be in a relationship. I have a fear of being alone. But I can definitely say that I am working on it. I definitely know that I'm not the only person in the world that is going through this.

Don't Judge a Book By It's Cover

Why are people so quick to judge others?

People are always so quick to assume something about a person.

Why??



Yes, a person might appear to be doing nothing with their life, but in actuality, they may be doing something greater than you.IF YOU DON'T KNOW A PERSON, DON'T ASSUME THINGS ABOUT THEM.... Everyone shouldn't judge from appearance.....I'm just saying.

Little kids imitate what they see and hear

So my sister says something really startling to me. The funny thing is, I KNOW for a fact that she didn't make it up.

So my little sister is hopping around talkig crazy as usual. Then she says something out of the blue. "You're not a part of this family, you stay with those white people, they are your family." I thought WHAT THE FUCK!......Seriously though?? It was Thanksgiving night. I know for a fact that she heard somebody in my family say it. It was obviously said when I wasn't around.

I can definitely say for sure, that hurt me.

The crazy thing is, it's the truth. I was staying with a close family friend. EVERY time my mom felt the need to put me out for NO reason, I was there. I was a part of their family. So what?? How does anyone in my family have pride from that? I consider another persons family as my own.


That just shows that little kids know more than you think........................

First Born

Why does the first born child always have the most problems? Why is so much expected???

I'm the oldest and I had the most pressure put on me. Why?

My sisters have shit way too easy. For instance, my 16 yr old sister sits there and fail ALL of her classes and doesn't get in trouble. Shit, in high school, if I got below a C I got in trouble. She still gets to go to work and everything. Like WTF?? My ma says that's her life and if she wants to fuck it up then that's her. Who says shit like that?? Don't you want your child to succeed?? Apparently not. My sister thinks that it's ok for her to do bad, but whatever.

Also, she is more lenient towards them. I remember being restricted from EVERYTHING. She even made me lose friends. Now it's whatever.

My baby sister jumps around and messes eveything up. When I was her age, I heard stories of how I was punished for not even doing anything. I was a good child growing up and still had it the hardest.

Man, some of this shit is just ridiculous. I dislike being the first born child at times.

A word from a Bird

So this is just a word........from a bird........Basically something I heard.........



There was this child, who didn't get along with his parents. Nothing seemed to go right. They were constantly fighting.

One day, he screamed, "I'm going to kill myself!" ....He said there was no reason to live....

His parents hit him for no reason....He even tried to fight back. So after his staement.....A parent replied,"Go ahead and kill yourself, I'm not going to pay for your funeral, the state is."

WHOA!.......Comments please! How does that make YOU feel??? What are your thoughts on this???

It's my Life, Who are you to tell me

Why is there always somebody trying to tell another person about their life?

How could a person possibly say oh "You don't want to do shit with yourself."

In order to be successful you must fall down...Nobody ever has success after success. There is at least one time where that person didn't have a job or money. Perhaps they're just trying to figure out what was done to get to that bad point.

Sometimes people have to learn from their past mistakes to move on with their life, right? So why even bother that person? It's not your life, it's theirs.


I was watching something on tv and a person said that while going through your trials you might find happiness. Do you think that's true??

I mean, God won't put you through anything you can't handle right??? You might stumble a little bit, but in the end, there's always a rainbow at me the end.



So how about people just let others be. Let them go through whatever it may be and you just be there if needed. ...............Remember, it's MY life, who are YOU to tell ME???

Have you ever??

Have you ever felt like running away from all of your problems???


Have you ever just wanted to fly far away and never come back??


Have you ever just felt like there was nobody you can trust??


Have you ever wished you would've had a different life??


Have you ever wanted a different family???


Have you ever just wanted to cry out loud in front of a lot of people so they could try to feel your pain???


Have you ever wondered if you were going to live to see another day???


Have you ever wished for HAPPINESS but only got the opposite??


Have you ever cried so hard that your pillow was drenched???


Have you ever wished that certain a family member would be CLOSE to you??




These are my thoughts.............................Feel free to add more, BELOW

Negativity

So today I said that sometimes the most NEGATIVE people are closest to you....Friends and family. Don't you agree???


Some family members NEVER congratulate you on the good things you do. All you ever hear about is the bad things. Aren't they supposed to give you feedback on both? Why don't they? Don't they want you to be happy? I guess not. This world is ridiculous....people need help. What are you to do when all you hear about is the bad things? 


Friends also have gotten worse. They have become to be very jealous of the other person. What kind of friend is that?? Don't you want to see all of your friends do good in life? If so, then why be negative all the time?


That's just a little about how I was feeling for a short moment today........

When it rain, it pours

So as if my life wasn't complicated enough, I get a disturbing phone call. I'm not going to states what went on in this conversation, but I will give you my feelings on it.

Like my previous post called "Mother/Daughter Bond" stated, there's more to come!

A very close my friend of mine and I discussed the impoartance of being close with your mother a few weeks back. They had recently lost theirs and thought it was a good time me my mom and I to get closer.

Well, my question is. how are you supposed to do that when they push you away. There's no love around here. There a lot of bitterness going around.

What do you do when there's no one to call your MOM? I don't have a mother where I can run to when things go bad. Even when everything was going fine in my life I never heard the words "I'm proud of you." WTF?!

Why must I get looked down upon when things are good and bad?

Some say that GOD wouldn't put you through something if he didn't think you could handle it. Well I must say that I been through HELL and back a million times within the past 2 1/2 years. So is it true what they say?? Will I weather the storm this time? Who knows? I all know is that I feel like crying AGAIN and it seems to be very common with lately.

Things have gotten worse. Perhaps it really is starting to take a toll on my health. I feel sick to my stomach every other day.




That's just how I feel right now...SAD. Point blank.

Friends

It's always a good idea to have friends. So that's what I've been told. But recently I've found that it's best to do without MOST friends. Right??


It was said that friends are supposed to be there for you through ups and downs. I guess that was the case when our parents were growing up. These days, you do a LOT for these so-called friends and get nothing in return. Really?? Isn't it supposed to be eye for an eye and whatnot? People are so selfish these days.


I can name a least 5 people off hand, that I've loaned money to but never got it back. Or how about those that have called you when they needed a ride or something because their car was broken. 


When I needed some money the were the first to say they didn't have it. But I knew that was a lie because they PRACTICALLY lived in the clubs. When I needed a ride people wanted to complain. What kind of friendship is that? 


People are always around when you do good and have money. But, the moment things go bad, they are nowhere to be found. Funny huh? 


 Not all are real and are around for good reasons. I've learned that the hard way. But I am very happy to say that I no longer have them in my life.


Well, all I have to say is........... Choose your friends wisely.

What is LOVE?

A lot of people have the misconception of what LOVE really is.


Love isn't how many materialistic things a person can buy you. Why do people base love off of how much money and things people buy you. I mean that person can buy you the world and STILL beat you at the end of everyday. 


Love is, when you're out with that person, you give the your undivided attention. You love them as if there's nobody else in the world. It's showing that person off, like GOD made them just for you, right???


Love isn't treating a person bad and talking them down all the time. Love is showing you support, showing you care.


Those are a few thoughts of mine on love....


♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Mother/Daughter Bond

So I've been told that there is no greater bond than a mother/daughter. I beg to differ. If that was so true, then how come so many don't get along with one another?? I can't remember the last time my mother and I hugged. Shoot, I can't remember the last time I heard "I love you." 


I sit back and think about my childhood. I remember getting my butt whooped for NOTHING more times than I remembered being hugged. What kind of bond is that? I wasn't a bad child. I never put my mom through hell. I didn't have kids. I never went to jail. I did good in school. Hell, I even had a job and paid for EVERYTHING I needed or wanted, especially when it was for school. I never heard "Good Job" or "I'm proud of you." Negativity was all I ever saw.


Some think that buying materialistic things shows how much you love a person. My opinion, BS! You don't have to buy things to show your love for me. A simple HUG is fine.


Also, why is it that I get blamed for being here, alive that is. A mother's responsibility is to give unconditional love. I wasn't asked to be on this earth. I definitely didn't ask for all those materialistic things either. So why complain?


Perhaps I should be happy? Ehh! Some mothers are on drugs. Some are dead. Some are CRAZY. Some don't take care of their children. At least I am taken care of......SOMETIMES. Even if she doesn't wasn't to, it's done because she "Feels she has to," not because of the fact that I'm the daughter or she loves me.


I know one thing, my sisters have things WAY easier than I did. I am looked at like I'm the stepchild. I feel as though I'm not a part of the family. Crazy huh?


Well.....all I can say to my friends is.....THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS THE WAY IT SEEMS...


There's a LOT more to this story...I just had to let some of it out.

Ugh!

So I hate when people tell you to "call" them or whatever and don't answer....WTF?!....This is the exact reason why I probably stopped speaking to you in the first place!...SMH!

Oh and why do"bigger" people seem to always have a comment on "smaller" people?? Yes I do eat! As a matter of fact, I eat A LOT! I'm alive aren't I??? Nobody goes around talking crazy about how fat the next person is, so why talk about small people??

Answer this bright question: WHY??.....Do ex "flings" always seem to come back or tend to be jealous??

SMH!....This FINGER is for YOU!

Quote of the Day

Good things come to those who wait...

Blah!

So I'm new to this....More coming soon....