***Maybe it wasn't meant to be*** (Thursday, April 3, 2008 at 9:03am)

Damn...It was juat a month ago when I wrote the note that started it all.................I don't know what to say.................................All I can remember is what happened when I went to the ER.......





After getting some bloodwork done.....
I finally am on my way to the ultrasound area......
As I'm rolling in the wheelchair, plenty things are going through my mind.....
I make it up there....
She starts checking my ovaries and all that shit......
Nearly a half hour has passed....


Next is the baby....

We're looking around, trying to find it......
She spots it.....
It's small....
She has to use a probe....
It is clear.....
They baby is there....
she flips it to different view and all that shit...
I ask questions.....
"What are those lines at the bottom of the screen?"
She replies, "That detects movement."
"Of who?"......"Me?"....or......"The baby?"
She replies", The Baby."


ALL I THINK IN MY HEAD IS, "SHIT!"......."WTF!"


I try to ask questions...
But she's not authorized to answer them....
The ultrasound is done...
We proceed back down to the ER room...
After a while...
The doctor and nurse enters....
My ma is standing and my Bestfriend Alex is sitting....
They have the results....
They ask if I want them in the room....
I think hard about it....
I say NO...
They leave....


..................................


They say.........................
I am 80% in a miscarriage.....
80%????....
Yes....
The baby was at 6 weeks of development...
But I am 10 weeks along......
It is under-developed....
No heartbeat...
No movement....
NOTHING!....


I say......DAMN!....


I knew that was it when I seen the lines on the ultrasound....
The lines didn't move....
At that time.....
The nurse looks more emotional than me....
I'm surprised .....
But then again....
I'm not....
I have no big reaction......
I finally get released.....
I tell my ma what happened...
She gives me a weird look.....
There's nothing she can really say....


We go on about our business.....


We go to the Mall......
I show her where I work...
We eat....
Go to my crib....
Chill....
She gets the vibe that I want to be alone....
She's been with me all day....
I LOVE MY MA....
But I want her to leave.....
I don't say it....
But she feels it....
She asks if I'll be ok...
I say yeah...
I'm good....


She's gone for a few mintues....


It hits me......


I can't stop crying.................................


All the shit I've gone through in the last few days has finally gotten to me.....


I cry...
and cry....
and cry........
Anthony arrives.....
I open the door....
I look a mess....lol
Make-up smeared all over my face....
He gives me a hug...
I hate hugs.....
But in a way...
It feels good......


As the night pass I think....
I have a dead baby in me.....
WTF....


IDK......


THIS STORY IS DONE....



My ma and I have been through so much.....

But despite everything....
She was there for every appointment...
And every ER visit...


IMMEDIATELY....


Her job was second....


I came first....


DAMN!...


I LOVE MY MA.....


AND TO MY BFF'S: ANTHONY, ALLEN, TYRONE.....


THANKS!.... :)


THANKS TYRONE FOR COMING OVER THE OTHER NIGHT WHEN I HAD A BREAKDOWN..


THANKS ANTHONY FOR LAST NIGHT.....

NOT MUCH WAS DISCUSSED....


BUT.....


I JUST WANTED SOMEBODY TO BE THERE....


AND ALLEN.....THANKS TOO......YOUR BIG HEAD ASS LOOK FUNNY IN SCRUBS....LOL


AND EVERYONE ELSE.....THANKS ALSO....

NOW I'M ON BED REST FOR A FEW MORE DAYS....


I GUESS I REALLY NEED TO BE AWAY FROM WORK.....


IDK WHEN I'LL BE BACK......


BUT THEY SAY WHENEVER I WANT TO COME BACK IS FINE.....


I'M GOOD...


I THINK......